


How Sweet to Be an Idiot

by PhoenixamongstWolves



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Gen, M/M, mentions of Joanna McCoy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-09
Updated: 2013-06-09
Packaged: 2017-12-14 11:15:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/836291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhoenixamongstWolves/pseuds/PhoenixamongstWolves
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bones spends about five seconds contemplating the pros and cons of punching Spock’s stupid smirk right off of his stupid face. He’s more than mildly disappointed when the pros don’t outweigh the cons.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How Sweet to Be an Idiot

**Author's Note:**

  * For [starkiddaltonite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/starkiddaltonite/gifts).



When Jim first tells him that he’s decided to give monogamy a shot, the two of them are just starting their senior year of college, and Bones spits out his mouthful of coffee, effectively ruining four pages of carefully written notes. Jim, the bastard, laughs at him even as he continues to splutter.

“You have a _what_ ?”

“What, do you want me to define the word for you?” Jim asks, still chuckling. “Boyfriend, noun, a thing that Jim Kirk has.”

Bones stares at him for a full ten second before managing to pull his thoughts together in what he hopes is a coherent sentence. “I’m not sure I’ve ever actually heard the word ‘boyfriend’ leave your mouth before. Are you serious?”

“Course I’m serious.” Jim’s tone is slightly indignant, which almost makes Bones start spluttering again, because for Christ’s sake, this the kid who’s spent most of the past four years fucking his way through the entire damn school. He says as much.

Jim makes a face. “Yeah, well. This school isn’t actually that big, you know.”

“Almost thirty thousand people go to University of Kansas, kid.”

“Whatever.” Jim waves his hand dismissively. “The point is, Spock’s great. He’s smart enough to keep up with me, and really funny in this subtle way once you get to know him…”

‘ _God damn_ ,’ Bones thinks, ‘ _He’s actually in love_.’

“…and I like the way he fucks me into the mattress, so we’re dating. Also, he’s coming over later, and the three of us are going out for a drink at Marisco’s sometime around nine.”

Bones throws his now empty coffee cup at him.

\---

The thing about Marisco’s is that it’s the bar where he first met Jim. And, as much as he hates himself for it, he has a soft spot for the place. He’s always been overly sentimental, even if he tries his best not to show it, so he’s grown pretty fond of their tradition of always heading over for a whiskey—his drink of choice—and a martini—Jim’s drink of choice, the idiot—every Friday night.

The thing about Marisco’s is that it’s _theirs_ , and Bones isn’t overly fond of sharing, so Jim’s new boyfriend already has one strike even before he walks through the door. Still, Bones promises himself that he’ll do his best to not be too terrible to the guy, for Jim’s sake.

That promise goes out the window the minute he opens the door to their dorm room and actually sees the guy.

To his credit, Spock barely raises an eyebrow while Bones laughs so hard that he has to lean against the doorframe. When he manages to recompose himself, he turns his back to the guy and faces Jim, who’s just walking out of the bathroom. “Jesus Christ. What is with that _hair_ ?”

Jim glares at him, “Shut up. It’s sexy.”

This has Bones slipping into a second fit of laughter, which only makes Jim glare with more intensity. “If your definition of sexy is an alien with a really bad haircut, sure.” He takes a second look at the guy. “Are those supposed to be eyebrows?”

Spock finally speaks, “If you have a problem with my appearance, Mr. McCoy, I suggest that you take the initiative to discuss it with me directly, instead of choosing to share your frankly substandard insults with my boyfriend.”

Bones stares at him, because _Mr. McCoy_ and _frankly substandard_ and _who even talks that way?_

He can already tell that it’s going to be a long night.

\---

Jim refuses to talk to him the next day, or as Bones has taken to calling it, the day following the ‘bar incident’.

Bones figures he kind of deserves it, but can’t bring himself to regret anything he said that night. Seriously, it’s not his fault that the guy is more similar to some non-existent alien hobgoblin species than he is to actual human beings.

\---

Three days after the bar incident, Jim still isn’t talking to him. Bones is maybe getting a little bit worried about it, but damn it, he’s a medical student, not a superhuman, and it would have taken the patience of a superhuman to resist telling Spock to go fuck himself. It’s all Jim’s fault really, for dating the guy in the first place, so Bones sure as hell isn’t going to be the first one to break their silence.

He does kind of miss the hour they usually spend listening their joint playlist after class, though. It always manages to soothe him, their mixture of songs by Jo Dee Messina—his favorite—somehow blending together with songs by Lady Gaga—Jim’s favorite, the idiot.

\---

He breaks after the fifth day without conversation. Part of him wants to yell at Jim, tell him that he’s being an infant by overreacting like this, but he doesn’t. Part of him also wants to write Jim a full apology, with footnotes and annotations, because okay, so maybe he overdid it a little at the bar. But, he doesn’t do that either.

It’s around three in the afternoon, and he’s re-doing the notes that he spilt coffee over on one side of the room while Jim pours over one of his architecture textbooks on the other. They’ve been at it for almost half an hour, and the tension between them might as well be tangible.

Bones clears his throat, and Jim looks up from his book.

“So, I was thinking. Maybe we could try taking Spock back to Marisco’s this Friday. Second time’s the charm, right?”

The ear-to-ear grin that Jim gives him almost makes up for the headache he’s going to have by the time they’ve left the bar on Friday.

\---

By halfway through the year, Spock has become somewhat of a permanent fixture in their dorm, to Bones’s great displeasure. So as horrifying as the sight of it is, he can’t say that he’s surprised when he comes back from class one day only to find Jim and the hobgoblin attempting to suck each other’s faces off.

“And break,” he says evenly, striding past them to set his book-bag on the desk, “and breathe.”

“I thought we had an agreement,” Jim says with a frown. Of course, he’s referencing a pact that the two of them made back in freshman year, in which Bones had indeed agreed to stop quoting Doctor Who—his favorite TV show—under the condition that Jim stopped making references to True Blood—Jim’s favorite TV show, the idiot.

“I thought you agreed to keep the PDA to a minimum when I have a paper due,” he retorts simply, and Jim rolls his eyes. He stops kissing Spock though, choosing to sit on his boyfriend’s lap instead.

“I can’t decide if that’s better or worse,” Bones tells him, making a face. “Lower on the disgustingly gross scale, but about a million times higher on the disgustingly adorable scale.”

“It’s a pleasure to know that you find Jim and I to be endearing,” Spock says, the corners of his lips just barely twitching upward, and Jim laughs.

Bones spends about five seconds contemplating the pros and cons of punching Spock’s stupid smirk right off of his stupid face. He’s more than mildly disappointed when the pros don’t outweigh the cons.

“This is my life now,” he says to the room at large.

Spock and Jim are still wearing matching smirks when Bones starts on his paper ten minutes later, and Bones has a revelation. He finally understands why the two of them are so appallingly in love with each other: they’re both pure evil.

\---

It’s approaching the end of senior year, and Bones has a dilemma. He’s been holding off on the whole ‘what are we gonna do when you graduate and go off to become an architect while I still have to go through med school’ talk for as long as possible, and it’s getting to the point where he can’t for much longer. It really shouldn’t be as big of a deal as it is, only Bones is finding that he’s actually going to miss the kid, damn it, even if Jim does spend most of his time these days playing a slightly less suicidal slightly more stupid Juliet to Spock’s Romeo.

He’s been psyching himself up all day, sure that today is going to be it, because Spock has class on Wednesdays, so it’s the one day that Bones has Jim to himself. Of course, just because the universe hates him, he opens the door to their dorm room to find Spock sitting on the couch, with Jim nowhere in sight.

“McCoy,” Spock says coolly.

“Spock,” he replies just as icily.

They’re both silent for a moment before Bones blurts out, “I thought you had classes on Wednesdays.” He’s pretty sure that his real message is clear: _I don’t want you here._

Spock’s eyes narrow fractionally, “As my professor was ill, class was cancelled.” Spock’s message is clear too: _I don’t care._

“Where’s Jim?”

“He asked me to inform you that one of his own classes has been moved, and that he will not return until much later in the afternoon.”

“Huh.”

The two of them stare at each other for a little while, until Bones figures that since Jim’s not around to have their important conversation, there’s probably a second important conversation that needs to be had. So, Bones heads to the fridge and moves stuff around for a while until he successfully finds two bottles of Sam Adams—his preferred beer—amongst about two dozen cans of Bud Light—Jim’s preferred beer, the idiot.

Spock looks surprised, almost startled, when Bones tosses him a beer before sitting down next to him, and if this were any other day Bones would probably jeer at him for it. Now though, he chooses to take a good long sip of the liquid courage that is Sam Adams, before turning to face the damn goblin.

“I don’t like you,” is probably not the best way to start this conversation, but it’s what Bones goes with anyway.

Spock takes a sip of his own beer, which is such an odd sight that it would normally have Bones in hysterics. “I think we both already know that we share a mutual dislike of each other. I do not believe there is any reason for us to discuss our shared aversion to each other beyond acknowledging it, considering that we also possess a mutual desire to keep Jim in good spirits.”

Bones scrunches his eyebrows. “Was that supposed to be your roundabout way of saying that as much as you hate me, you want us to get along for Jim’s benefit?”

“Affirmative.”

“Affirmative. Right.” Bones sighs, “I’ve agreed with you on that one for the beginning. That’s not what I wanted to talk about.”

Spock looks like he’s going to interrupt, but when Bones pauses to give him the chance to interject, he chooses to say nothing.

So he continues, “I want to talk about Jim, okay? Because we both know that he’s-” (and thank god the kid isn’t here right now, because there’s no way that Jim would ever let him live this down) “-pretty damn special. And as much as it makes my stomach churn to think about the two of you doing whatever it is that the two of you do, it’s becoming more and more obvious that you're in this for the long run.”

Spock blinks. “To make such an assumption would be foolish. While my own feelings towards Jim are apparent to both of us, I cannot speak on his behalf regarding whatever affections he may have for me.”

Bones rolls his eyes. “Oh for God’s sake, Spock. You could ask Jim to marry you tomorrow, and he wouldn’t even hesitate before saying yes. He’s over the moon for you.”

Spock’s eyes widen slightly. “I…appreciate that, coming from you.”

The lack of sarcasm surprises him, but he doesn’t let his face show it. “As you damn well should. The point is, he’s graduating soon, and he’s gonna need somewhere to go. And he won’t tell you himself, because he’s got all this insecurity shit underneath that smirk of his, but he’s gonna want to move in with you. So you’re gonna have to be the one that does the asking.”

Spock tilts his head a little. “I am confused as to-”

“No, damn it; don’t interrupt me for a change.” This is hard enough for him to say as it is. “Look, I don’t have a lot in this shitty world, but I have a best friend. I’m practically giving you my goddamn blessing to be his happily ever after, so I need you to promise me that you’re going to take care of him. He’ll need someone to be there for him, if I’m not there.” Bones lets out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding. “There. I’m finished now.”

Spock stares at him, eyebrows almost completely hidden behind those stupid bangs of his. “I will do my best to take care of Jim for as long as he will have me, but that does not alleviate my confusion.”

“What the hell is there to be confused about?”

“For one thing, why you would speak of me and Jim moving in together when you already know that the three of us plan to share an apartment after he graduates.”

It’s Bones’s turn to stare. “Bullshit. I have no fucking clue what you’re talking about.”

“Of course you do." Spock has the audacity to sound annoyed. “Your signature was on the papers.”

“What papers?” he practically shouts.

Spock reaches into his bag, ruffles around for a moment, then hands him a manila folder. “These papers, naturally.”

And, well, wouldn’t you know it; his signature is in fact on a bunch of important looking papers. Which is interesting, because he sure as hell isn’t the one that put it there.

Most of the forms are a bunch of legal gobbledygook, but he manages to get through enough of it to figure out that he has apparently agreed to share an apartment with Jim and Spock for at least the next two years. He feels simultaneously relieved, annoyed, resigned, thrilled, frustrated, and completely baffled, which has got to be a record as far as conflicting emotions go.

“I didn’t sign these,” he finally says, “I’m not complaining, but I didn’t sign these.”

“Impossible,” Spock says firmly. “Jim told me that-” He breaks off, and Bones is sure that his own face mirrors the sudden comprehension that he sees on Spock’s. “Oh.”

_Jim._

“The idiot,” Bones murmurs faintly, and Spock makes a soft noise of exasperated concurrence. It’s the first and the last time that the two of them ever agree.

\---

When Jim gets home, Bones yells at him for seven minutes straight, because forgery is illegal, Christ. But then he pauses to catch his breath, and Jim says in a voice so soft that it’s almost a whisper, “I didn’t think you’d say yes otherwise.”

God fucking damn it.

Really, how is he supposed to resist pulling the kid in for a hug?

\---

Graduation’s just ended, and there are so many people surrounding him that Bones is having trouble seeing anything at all, let alone finding Jim in the crowd. He’s not sure why he’s even bothering; he’s sure that Spock will be the first person Jim tries to find anyway, which is probably why it comes as such a surprise to him when a steady hand grabs his wrist and starts tugging him out of the mass of graduates.

Jim pulls Bones along the entire way back to their dorm, turning around every once in a while and smiling so widely that it almost puts a smile on his own face. When they get there, Spock is leaning against his boyfriend’s desk, and Jim somehow manages to hurl himself at the gremlin and pull him into a one armed hug while he squeezes Bones’s wrist a little bit tighter.

A month from now, Bones will buy himself a pair of earplugs, because apparently his best friend is a screamer in bed. They won’t help, and he’ll end up being the one that pays for a guy to come in and soundproof Jim and Spock’s shared bedroom.

Six months from now, Bones will get into a colossal argument with Spock, and Spock will take a cheap shot at him by mentioning Joanna. Bones will be stunned silent, and Jim will punch his boyfriend in the face. The apartment will be eerily silent for about a week, until Jim comes to Bones late one night and asks him if the two of them should move out of the apartment that’s technically in Spock’s name. Bones will be touched by the gesture even as he tells Jim to get his head out of his ass—“Jim, just shut up and go bone the damn hobgoblin”—because the two of them are clearly meant to be together.

A year and a half from now, Bones will finally figure out that he’s always going to have his best friend by his side, no matter what his damage with Spock is. Deciding to get a place of his own will be bittersweet at best, but will become slightly less bitter and slightly more sweet when Jim finds out that an apartment on the floor above theirs has a vacancy.

Bones will reluctantly but voluntarily help Spock pick out a ring. He’ll be Jim’s best man, and will give what is by far both the most sarcastic and the most heartwarming speech of the night. He’ll get a call from CPS telling him that his ex-wife has been deemed unfit to take care of their child, and Joanna will be something like an older sister to Jim and Spock’s little boy when she moves in with her father.

But right now? Right now, Bones just wants to head over to Marisco’s and grab a whiskey for himself, a beer for Spock, and a martini for Jim—Jim, who is currently trying to persuade Spock that they should totally celebrate graduation by doing body shots.

The ~~loveable~~ idiot.

**Author's Note:**

> This was written on short notice as a birthday present to Starkidd, one of the most awesome friends ever in response to his prompt: "I’ve decided I want a post-college!AU of Bones sharing an apartment with his best friend Kirk and Kirk’s boyfriend Spock and all the sass and eye-rolling that would entail." I deviated from the prompt a little, but I hope you like it all the same. It was supposed to be humorous, but somehow ended up simultaneously more angsty and more fluffy than I intended it to. Big thanks to Meg as well, for proofreading this for me.  
> Title taken from the song "How Sweet to Be an Idiot" by Neil Innes. I don't own anything, yadda-yadda, you know the deal.


End file.
